I'm not so sure that anyone reads this blog anymore so maybe it's not such a big risk to type up a blog of uncensored thoughts. When I started this blog years ago it began as a way to share my experiences with others. I also found that it was a good way for me to process the varying experiences I was having while traveling the world. Now, as I have been in South Africa for about 15 months I see that my blogging has really been lacking. Maybe that is part of the reason why is am struggling so much in recent days. I haven't really been taking the time to process the thoughts and feelings of my day to day life here. I think because of that I am suffering. My mind is full and my heart is uneasy. If anyone out there is reading this beware. Here's some candid thoughts about Jenny's life.
I'm so tired. Physically tired. Mentally tired. Tired of trying to be happy and content. Tired of having moments of perfect peace and joy from God but then having them disappear in the next moment.
I miss being with friends. Real friends who know all of my history and faults and love me anyway. People who know me almost as well as I know myself. I miss being able to communicate clearly without even thinking about it.
I miss doing what I am good at. I was a good preschool teacher. I was a good chaperone. Here I just struggle along doing the best I can but often forgetting to lean on God for my strength. He has stretched me and taught me so much. I can lead and confront my staff way better than when I first started but I still lack so much.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself anymore. Maybe I just haven't taken the time to process how I have changed and grown in the past year. But I also see things I don't really like. Somehow I have lost a lot of the confidence that I used to have. That confidence wasn't really a confidence in myself but a confidence relating to who I was because of who Christ was in me. Where did that go?
I am weary of questioning whether people are "using" me or not. It is so hard to know if people here are asking me favors because they are my friends or just because I am someone who can help them. I almost always say "yes" hoping that it will make our "friendship" stronger and more real. But maybe they are just using me. Or maybe they really are my friend and I am just blind to how much they really care.
Don't get me wrong. Some good things are happening here too. My team and I spent 10 days loving on some orphan children we invited to our school for a camp. It was AMAZING to see how a little love can change them in just a few short days! At the beginning our the week the 2 little twin girls would flinch every time I went to put my hand on their back or reach out to give them a high five. They were expecting to be hurt not loved. By day 5 they were rushing to me for hugs. NOTHING can be more rewarding than that. Showing a child God's love and seeing the result is the best thing in the world. I think I need to spend a little more time processing experiences like this and sharing them because that is why I am here. To love on the "least of these".
Thanks to you if you spent the time reading these random candid thoughts! I am still 100% convinced that God is so good to me!