I'm so tired. Physically tired. Mentally tired. Tired of trying to be happy and content. Tired of having moments of perfect peace and joy from God but then having them disappear in the next moment.
I miss being with friends. Real friends who know all of my history and faults and love me anyway. People who know me almost as well as I know myself. I miss being able to communicate clearly without even thinking about it.
I miss doing what I am good at. I was a good preschool teacher. I was a good chaperone. Here I just struggle along doing the best I can but often forgetting to lean on God for my strength. He has stretched me and taught me so much. I can lead and confront my staff way better than when I first started but I still lack so much.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself anymore. Maybe I just haven't taken the time to process how I have changed and grown in the past year. But I also see things I don't really like. Somehow I have lost a lot of the confidence that I used to have. That confidence wasn't really a confidence in myself but a confidence relating to who I was because of who Christ was in me. Where did that go?
I am weary of questioning whether people are "using" me or not. It is so hard to know if people here are asking me favors because they are my friends or just because I am someone who can help them. I almost always say "yes" hoping that it will make our "friendship" stronger and more real. But maybe they are just using me. Or maybe they really are my friend and I am just blind to how much they really care.
Don't get me wrong. Some good things are happening here too. My team and I spent 10 days loving on some orphan children we invited to our school for a camp. It was AMAZING to see how a little love can change them in just a few short days! At the beginning our the week the 2 little twin girls would flinch every time I went to put my hand on their back or reach out to give them a high five. They were expecting to be hurt not loved. By day 5 they were rushing to me for hugs. NOTHING can be more rewarding than that. Showing a child God's love and seeing the result is the best thing in the world. I think I need to spend a little more time processing experiences like this and sharing them because that is why I am here. To love on the "least of these".
UNCENSORED
Thanks to you if you spent the time reading these random candid thoughts! I am still 100% convinced that God is so good to me!
8 comments:
Thanks for sharing your heart... love you and praying for you!
Jenny,
praying for you daily and wishing so much we could sit down for coffee.
thanks so much for posting these thoughts. it's soooo important to find the time to process and think through our journeys.
i believe the Lord is continuing to use you in incredible ways, pouring into the staff down there, and i hope you feel loved and appreciated. because i know you are!
miss you sister. and hope to connect soon.
much love,
steve.
Hey Jenny,
I love you! Thanks for always being uncensored with me, and letting me be the same with you. To be that's true friendship, and I value that so much.
You have been a HUGE blessing in my life, allowing me to see the REAL perspective on a lot of things. Tour life, and life now wouldn't be the same without you!
You are in my prayers always, and always remember that you are awesome at being a friend. That's a great trait to have :)
Love always,
Eleni
Hey Jenny,
I always check you blog, and look forward to reading them. I admire your courage and perseverance.Uncensored is real, and its what helps me connect. I always feel like I am the only one who struggles, its good to know that others do too. May God continue to strengthen you!
Love Eileen
Thanks everyone for your encouragement! Things are getting rougher by the moment BUT God is good and I'm trusting in him!
Eileen, I leave on May 20th to go to Kenya and Uganda to visit my Choir #30 kids! I will give Washo a big hug for you and take some photos!
Hi Jenny,
My name is Tom and I am one of the 4 Americans that visited the school you work at a week ago. If you consider all the circumstances that led up to our visiting this school one could only conclude that it was divine intervention. Our experiences, while traveling in South Africa, changed all of us. We saw a lot good and a lot of bad during our adventure. It was a blessing to see that there is hope for some of God's most unfortunate children. I personally will pray that the school will be provided with funding to serve even more children.
God has certainly given you a special calling Jenny. May you be strengthened in your service to the children of South Africa.
I read this...a year later, but I read it! This is real...and I think real is important in keeping your prayer/fundraising team really supporting you. Good job!
I love you!!!
Hi Jenny!
I don't know if you remember me, but I stumbled across your blog through one I started shortly after we went to Uganda together in 2007. My husband and I just recently adopted 2 babies from the DRC (in addition to already having a biological 3 year old) and your paragraph about not recognizing yourself in the mirror really resonated with me. In the process of doing something we felt like God was leading us to do, a lot of our brokenness and faults came to the surface-and it's been beyond difficult. I don't have any encouragement for you as we are still in the throws of loving them accurately (which is really hard) while battling so much of our ugly parts. But I wanted to thank you for putting my feelings (and the feelings of so many others) into words.
peace,
Carter
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